I am inspired uncontrollably by the Guardian’s item on how various astrologers, palmists and clairvoyants predict the result (which is itself inspired). So I will now don my spotted headscarf and dangly earrings, and I am… Madam Pigsaw! Behold my mystic Tarot Business Cards, which I have drawn from the Desk Drawer of Fate.

I am now shuffling these cards, each one with a very specific meaning and personal history - or histoire, as I prefer to call it, for no apparent reason.

For Charles Kennedy I draw… the Business Development Manager of AOL. This is a very misunderstood card. The triangle suggests the LibDems are one of three, and the circle in the middle indicates the sixth phase of rising moon in the House of Uojgoghgivn. This is very significant.

For Michael Howard I draw… the Advertising Executive of EndroCo. The two sided shape on this card means Mr Howard will have an election night of two parts. The first part will be very distinct from the second part, and each will involve some losses and some gains. However, the fonts are both serif and san serif, and while Mr Howard’s Uku energy is concentrated concentrically across the heavens both parts may run together, or alternately. I looks like this will be an important night for him.

And for Tony Blair I draw… the Post-It note with a password on it, that I thought I’d lost weeks ago and really shouldn’t have been in my stack of business cards. Clearly there will be some surprises in store for Mr Blair. But also some unsurprises.

Weighing all these up, with my immense meta-psychical knowledge I can predict that Labour will end up with a majority, but not as much as they have now - just like all the political pundits are saying.

Now I draw my fingers slowly and mysteriously across my eyes and… we… are… done.

Tags: tarot, election, predictions