Radio 4 hit list
I missed the news that Home Truths is to be axed. (Which is to say, I didn’t find out within 4 hours of it being announced.) And ever since I dropped my portable radio in the bath I’ve been mostly without the Today programme in the morning. So I missed Andy Kershaw’s moan on Today that much else besides also needs to go. Luckily he expanded on it a bit today:
Here’s another one for the list: Veg Talk. It’s on every Friday between 3 and 3.30 in the afternoon. Two faux cockney barrow boys talking about turnips. To my mind there’s only so much you can say about vegetables, but this show’s been going on for seven years! “Call in with your experience of turnips!” they say. Who in their right mind has an experience of turnips? And who would call in with it?
He’s right of course. And there’s more. Much more. Here’ s my list of Radio 4 programmes that really deserve the chop…
Current affairs:
- Any Answers? — Vox pop phone-ins fail particularly badly on local radio, with the local populus volunteering to exhibit astonishing ignorance when compared to the professional presenter. But this is a national programme, with the cream of our population to choose from. All the more tragic that we come across as a nation of dunderheads.
- Money Box — In which Paul Lewis puts us to sleep every week.
- Money Box Live — In which people phone in to be sent to sleep personally.
- The Copysnatchers — Words written primarily for the page should stay on the page. And the writers who wrote them should stick to writing, not reading their words aloud.
Factual:
- Case Notes — This week, rectal thermometers.
- Desert Island Discs — Music that fades in half way through, fades out before the end, and interviews that are so bland as to actually be a threat to the human brain.
- Feedback — “So, Fred Bloggs, how do you respond to the accusation that your programme was racist and misogynistic, and lead directly to the death of six people in Cardiff?” “I deny it.” “Thank you very much for coming on the programme.”
- Gardeners’ Question Time — “My husband has left me, my son has committed suicide, and I’ve just been diagnosed with cancer. What will help my daffodils grow?”
- Making History — Sue Cook patronisingly researches historical nano-events on behalf of listeners.
- Midweek — Libby Purves tries to avoid asking interesting questions for a full 45 minutes.
- Poetry Please — In which a range of ac-TORS get to revisit their grrreat pro-nun-ci-a-tion lessons from RADA.
- The Moral Maze — Pompous people demonstrate their pomoposity, then tell us what to think.
- The Wine Programme — There’s one thing that wine doesn’t have: sound. There’s only one thing that radio has: sound. Was this ever going to work?
- Veg Talk — See above.
- With Great Pleasure — As “Poetry Please”, but with the poems selected by ac-TORS, too.
- You and Yours — Including a thorough investigation into why plastic bags get a big saggy after a couple of uses.
Quizzes and “comedy”:
- Clare in the Community — Despite one episode in which my road was featured, laughs are thin on the ground.
- Dead Ringers — Any programme that relies on an impression of a Dr Who actor who quit the series in NINETEEN EIGHTY ONE needs to seriously reconsider its purpose.
- Loose Ends — Oh, luvvies!
- Our Brave Boys — In which “subtle” has been confused with “not funny”.
- Quote…Unquote — Or “Quirt/Unquirt” to give it its correct pronunciation.
- Round Britain Quiz — Sample question “The Prince of Prussia runs with this Inuit fruit at a distressed boiling point, but not before a sordid building was reopened pharmaceutically”.
- Storyman — If this was a mickey-take in the style of On The Hour it would be really funny. Unfortunately it seems to be genuine.
- The Consultants — Consultants might have been a source of comedy in the ’80s, but they’re certainly not today.
- The Now Show — The team presenting this, alas, are far more confident than they should be.
- The Write Stuff — Show-offs, the lot of ‘em.
- Think the Unthinkable — Another programme whose comedy is based on consultants? Good grief.
- Weak at the Top — See, the character’s name is John Weak. And he’s not very good. So it’s a joke, see? Weak… Weak. Geddit? What’s that? Other jokes? No, there aren’t any other jokes.
